Student expressing sadness (Photo by Alexis Cichy)
I keep disappointing my loved ones around me.
I feel nostalgic.
Yet I can’t stop disappointing everyone.
Subconsciously I want everyone to give up on me.
For I am a bad person deep within.
I desire people to leave.
To leave me alone.
Abandoned.
I know not of my reasons towards this desire.
Thus, the desire keeps growing mighty within me.
This desire frightens me.
For I know that once everyone leaves, I am going to want them back.
Thus I can’t stop disappointing everyone.
For I am a bad person deep within.
No one can save me.
Not you, nor me, nor love.
Love leads me towards this desire.
For I am nothing but a coward.
A coward afraid to love.
Because I could never allow anyone to love such malicious creature as myself.
I run away from love.
Thus this love doesn’t allow me to.
But one day I will disappoint the love.
For I am a bad person deep within.
I became a a bad person deep within when I started encountering deep depressions.
Help me overcome this depression which I have encountered my whole life.
It leaves at times to fool me into believing that it has left and wont come back.
Then it returns to assure me that I cannot be saved.
Every time it leaves my smile is greater than ever.
Yet every time it comes back, it brings stronger woe.
Woe which penetrates my heart.
It poisons my mind, and whispers in my ear,
“I am here to stay, I wont leave, just die.”
I hate this depression like I’ve never hated anything more.
It is the only thing I hate.
I can’t let it win, for it it does, I will only listen to its commands.
And it’s commands me to do nothing but evil in this world.
Doing evil in the world is something I wont do.
Yet every time it strikes it becomes more powerful, more malicious, more commanding.
Help me overcome this depression.
For a am not a bad person deep within.
I am just a soul that is hurt.
A soul that is hurt and greeted by evil.
For i became a bad person deep within.
I cannot stop disappointing everyone.
I secretly want everyone to leave me alone.
Alone in my depression.
Abandoned in my depression.
Thus, I have made so many people run away from me that I feel alone.
So alone, that my depression just grows stronger.
