President Trump has been uncharacteristically persistent in his desire to be Time's Person of the Year.
"It almost seems like there may have been some other white supremacist from the past who won person of the year that may have inspired President Trump." says Jessica Favela, snarky liberal.
TIME, however, is seemingly ignoring the President's pleads in being famed 'Person of the Year', so Donald Trump wrote an open letter to the press company, which contained several points as to why he should be given this honor.
However, with no editor having the guts it takes to review a paper written by a man with grammar skills comparable to, at best, a struggling sixth grader, no major media outlet has publicized this article.
It is with great pleasure, the greatest really, that I can write this letter. I told Melania about this--a very intelligent woman Melania--and she tells me, "Wow Donald, this is great idea!" and when she told me that I tell ya I knew it was an excellent idea, fantastic. Really!
Let's face it, we all know that I should be person of the year, I know it, you know it, and certainly TIME knows it. And TIME- once great!- is an excellent company, one of the greatest, but for some reason they're being stubborn about this one and it really bothers me because I can't think of anyone that deserves it half as much as I do.
This is bigly because of my many accomplishments as president (which is a fantastic job by the way). Whenever I need a break from the golf course, the White House staff, these amazing, wonderful people, are always there to greet me with open arms.
Granted, about half of them are fired every week but a change of faces in my staff is of the utmost importance to me, it's a little trick I learned from my good friends in Russia and Saudi Arabia and, I have to say, it works like a charm.
Anyways, these are the main reasons why I think I am the greatest person of the year, maybe of all time. And I'm sure if there was a slot for 'Best Person in History', TIME would give it to me, hands down.
Reason I: The Russia Investigation
One of my greatest achievements here in the White House has definitely, one hundred percent, been the way I handled the witch-hunt--Russia investigation. Every time they think they're on to me, BAM! They realize I'm clean!
And people might say, 'Donald, isn't it wrong that other people are taking the fall for the investigation, doesn't that make you a bad person?"
And do you know what I say? I say, "Well that's just the way business goes. If you're in business, you know sometimes you have to take the fall. And sure, these are fine people--the finest--but when you're in the business you know how that goes and they knew this was gonna happen, okay? They knew."
Look, we are dealing with the biggest conspiracy since Nixon here, okay? And Nixon was a great guy, I'm sure he was a real patriot but he just didn't know how to handle the heat. Not unlike American hero Andrew Jackson! Democrats hate me, Republicans hate me. Hell, the american people hate me. But you can't let that stop you, okay? You don't become president because people like you and trust you, that's just not how this whole thing works.
Reason Two: I Absolutely Destroyed That Kim guy
I used to think that Kim Jong Un was a great guy.
He always seemed very in control with his country and it looked like he knew how to get things done, but that's just not the case.
When you look at the Korea situation, it's a mess, okay? There's no other words to describe how messy it is because nobody has ever seen this before. If you talked to Thomas Edison, a brilliant man who knew many words, and you asked him to describe that situation, he'd only be able to use the word 'mess', and I'm telling you this because President Edison had a very High IQ-maybe as high as mine--and I can vouch for the guy.
Japan's a mess, South Korea is a mess, and China is a mess and it's all because of North Korea. And these countries, they're coming to me and they're saying, "Donald, we don't know what to do, he's crazy and we can't stop him."
I tried to sit down, and I tried talking to the guy, I even went to his hometown of Asia to try to get him to listen--and the jetlag from Asia is absolutely the worst, okay? It's evil. But I did it anyways.
And this guy, he wouldn't even listen. He responded to my subtweets about him, granted, by saying we were going to war, but that is absolutely not true.
If we were at war with North Korea let me tell you that we would absolutely win? Okay, in a heartbeat. It wouldn't even be a war, it would take just the push of a button to destroy that country.
I know this for a fact, my first day of President--my very first day--they told me all I had to do was turn in a key and push in the numbers '1-7-6-5-4' and press a little button and North Korea would be destroyed, just like that.
Reason III: I Love the NFL but I Hate the Players
The great thing about America, maybe the greatest, is the sports.
You look at other countries during the Olympics, which is an amazing american tradition, and you see these other countries and none of them are as good as the United States. You look at the gold medals--from any year, maybe ever since we had Native American Presidents, and they always go to us.
And it's a damn shame that they don't have football in the Olympics, because that's the most patriotic sport in the world.
When you look at all of the Patriots you know they played football. Ronald Reagan was the quarterback to his football team in high school, and if there's one thing I know, it's that Hillary Clinton did not play football at all, okay? She's a crook and a phony and we all know that she absolutely hates America and the american people.
But now, a bunch of football players are unamerican! And it is not good. You look around on the field and they're all kneeling during the national anthem, and that is just very bad.
If there is one thing I know--and I know many things--it's that nobody should ever do anything jeopardize the American way at it's most fundamental level, which is of course football.
But when I saw that these people were doing what they were doing on the feild--these people like Colin Kaepernick and Kendrick Lamar--I told the NFL they had to stop. And guess what, the NFL said, 'Okay Donald.' and they listened to me. Just after I tweeted about it, it's incredible.
Reason IV: I am Very Educated
One thing not a lot of people know about me is that I am very much an educated man.
I talked to my good friend and colleague Betsy DeVos about education and I said, "It's a mess. It's a real shame and we have to do something about it," and you know what she said? She said, "You're right Donald, it is a shame."
And its incredible because there's this woman who knows so much about education, that's why I chose her to be Secretary of Education because she was so very qualified, and she was agreeing with me and telling me how right I was and that I was a very intelligent man.
Even after I went to college I said to myself, "You know what? Those professors didn't know what they were thinking, they were outta their minds, so I should make my own college." And then I did it, and my college was so good, so prestigious that I figured I should go there myself.
So there I was, attending one of my own lectures, realizing I didn't know anything about business! So I sat through all of those lectures and having my high IQ i just soaked it all in and it was really an amazing experience I'd love to tell you all about it.
I have many, many reasons to be named Person of the Year, but my huge hands are cramping up and really, I can do many things, almost all of them, but it would be very, very tiring to write them all down.
I love the people at TIME and I absolutely know that I will be Person of the Year, so I'd like to thank myself for that.
Best of Luck,