I remember every second I spent with him. I remember how his mouth curved when he smiled and the laugh that escaped his lips when he was amused. His voice was a symphony to my ears and I knew I was in love from the start. I didn’t know I could feel such a euphoric feeling of affection for another.
He made love look so easy, however-
Loving him was anything but that. This love left me broken and in shambles. This love left me on the floor, begging for the pain to stop.
Flash back to the beginning of sophomore year.
He walked into my speech class, earning the eyes of every girl in the room. His eyes fixated on mine and he smiled - that sweet, wonderful smile. The smile that would soon drive a dagger through my heart.
I’d seen him before, but not like this. He was an upperclassmen, and I was just another girl.
The next thing I knew, we were outside of my house. After one of our many dates, he muttered the question of asking me to be his girlfriend.
Looking back, I remember every detail of that night. The white letters across his blue shirt and the sweet, yet strong scent of his cologne. That night, I knew I was in love.
Flash forward to several months later.
I had decided that I loved this boy with every beat of my heart and soul. High school seemed meaningless without him, as I knew he wouldn’t be around my junior year.
I set my mind to graduate early so we could live out our plans of moving to California and starting our lives. Summer school was a breeze and every day we looked forward to the time we could spend together when my school day finished.
We were happy. I was happy.
I remember in detail the way my heart broke after I found out. I cried outside of my summer economics class as my friends came rushing to my aid. I was in pieces, hysterical. I didn’t want to believe that any of it was true.
My mind became flooded with thoughts of believing that I'd done something wrong. Thoughts that I was not enough for him. Time slowed down and my breathing sped up as I felt my world crumbling down. I impulsively grabbed my phone and made sure he knew that I found out what he did.
He had no words. He had no apology.
It wasn’t until almost a month later that he realized what he had done, a month later that he realized he messed up and missed me, a month until he came back.
Crying at my house as he asked for me to come back with words of comfort I wished to hear so long before, I screamed back, “You broke me!” The waterfall continued to flow as the words “I’m sorry” spilled from his tainted lips.
But nothing that was said could repair the damage that he caused.
Speechless, I dragged myself into my house as he drove off in an angry frenzy. Sitting in my room, I blankly stared at my wall as I played the song “Your Hand Holding Mine” by the artist Yellow Days - a song we listened to together. With my music on full blast, my weeping was somewhat muted.
I cried every day and night for months. The pain seemed to never end. I remember repeating over and over, “I thought he loved me,” as if my words were a broken record.
I constantly dreamed of what it would be like if we were still together. Every day seemed to lack purpose and despair was my new best friend. Already being diagnosed with a disorder of sadness, I had been living like my up-hills were mountains and my down-hills were cliffs.
It seemed as if the universe wanted to pound my very life into a deep abyss of darkness.
A couple of months later, and I am a senior. I still decided to graduate early because I realized that I made this choice for me.
A couple of months later, and I realized that I do not need a boy to make me feel good about myself. I realized that I am enough.
I know now that he was not the world. He was not the center of my solar system. He was not the sun. I am the sun.
This summer I went through a heartbreak. And even though I thought I would never get over my first love, I begin my senior year more independent than I have ever been.
This love broke me, but my heart is no longer shattered. This love has made me stronger. This love told me that I am not a city that is only big enough for a boy’s weekend getaway. I am the thunder that makes bridges tremble and houses shudder.